Why Doesn’t This Feel Right?

A few weeks ago, the old flame and I spent a morning at Saturday Market and some time walking around Old Town.   As we walked, I felt a lot of unease.  At first I attributed it to the fact that this place was a part of old dating habits, one of my “standard” dates.  One of my fears as I begin dating and explore a new relationship, is that I will fall into unhealthy old dating patterns.  Flame picked up on this pretty quickly, and started asking questions, picking and poking to get to the bottom of what I was feeling.  We continued to walk and talk, her asking questions and I answering, trying to understand  but not really feeling like I was getting to the root of it.  Finally, she pulled me aside, sat me down, took my hand and said “Ok, whats really going on?”

I thought about it for a while, talking through things as they came to mind, rolling it around in my head.  Eventually, understanding came.  I felt uncomfortable because this was an environment where I indulged my habit of looking at women.   Part of the attraction of a sunny summer day was the chance to ogle women as I walked about.   I do not want to do that anymore.  That day was one in which I was fairly successful not taking advantage of those around me, but it helped me recognize that the sinful habits of the past have long ranging consequences.  I  also realized that I have just begun to understand the scope and depth of my sin.  My counselor called it the capillary action of sin.  There are locations and activities that are not sinful, but because I indulged in sin while at those places it brings up old thoughts and feelings.

Knowledge and understanding brought relief.  As soon as I understood what was going on, I felt the tension lift.  I had freedom.  What a great feeling, and even better was the fact that Flame had been right there with me, questioning my assumptions, popping my bubbles and generally making me think.

I have found a good thing.

Be Be Be Be Be Be Be maybe get to do.

I feel like I should just cut and post Romans 6-8 here and be done.  So many of the things I have written about in the last year are things I have struggled with throughout my life.  Many of the principles at work are things that I have always given mental assent to.  If not for Christ I would be a monster.  By grace, I am saved, regenerated, renewed.  I know I have written this before, but it is the only thing.

There is nothing else.  I am beginning to know it.  I will probably always be beginning to know it.  Most likely I will die knowing that I have just barely scratched the surface of the depths of God’s love for me.  Knowing grace is the key.  I need to let it flow through me.  If it is not flowing through me, do I really know it?

I fail often.  When I fail I apologize.  I ask forgiveness.  Some have said that my failures are a sign that I do not know it, do not mean it, am not really trying to live it.  The key is what I do with that failure.  I can internalize it, beat myself up for days, weeks or years, or I can give it to the Lord and move ahead.  Yes I fail, yes I will probably fail again tomorrow.  I have only truly failed if I am turned away from Christ by my failure.  I must keep pressing on.  Even if sometimes all I am doing is leaning into the wind that blows against me.

It is so simple it makes me want to pound the keyboard.

Throwing Darts into the Whirlwind

I need to write.   Things swirl around me sometimes making it hard to concentrate.  Writing gives me a chance to throw a dart into the swirling mass and pin down some part of it.

I miss my wife.  As I say it, I realize it is not like she stopped being my wife all of a sudden.  Many of the little intimacies that come to mind where withdrawn more than a year ago.  This last year has just been the lingering death of a marriage that she withdrew from over the course of two or three years.  She would probably say it had been longer than that, but I think active, purposeful turning away has been no more than two or three.   So as I think about the things I miss, I realize it is twenty years worth of memories and shared lives.  Over seven thousand days of being one.

Now she has decided she is not my wife.  We have a legal paper that says we are not married.  But is that really all there is?  I know there are many different opinions about this.  I have chosen a way that I think honors the Lord most in my current situation.  I do not think that God so easily releases us from the vows we make before him.  I may not feel released to pursue another marriage until my legal ex chooses to re-marry.  I have to admit the fact she is already in a relationship gives me some reason to think it will not be long before she gets married.  I know there are some who would say I am released as soon as she has been with another man.  Again, I am not so sure.  Is that all the marriage vows are about is the physical relationship?  Short of marriage, how many relationships outside of ours am I required to forgive?  These are hard things.

I wanna go back to Egypt

Isn’t it tragic how attractive old sin can look when times are tough under our new master?  Going “back to Egypt” seems like the easy path.   The promised land seems far away.  Is it worth it?  Of course!  We were held captive in the land of sin.  God sent his son deep into enemy territory, even to the gates of hell, to rescue us.   I have been rescued, but it is so hard to believe.  So many days I find myself living like I am still a captive, shuffling along like I still have shackles on my feet.  As I remember the pain of those chains, I tend to lash out at those around me.  It is especially humbling to recognize that I am unable to live as a free man without being totally dependent on my new master.

I pray.

How can I tempt you today?

Oswald yesterday dealt with temptation.  He writes, “Many of us, however, suffer from temptations from which we have no business to suffer, simply because we have refused to let God lift us to a higher plane where we would face temptations of another order.”  I have only experienced this once in my life, at least only once that I recognize.  I was tempted with the argument that I was now spiritual enough to be able to do something without sinning.  The thing I was tempted with is in an area that many people would say was a little gray, but for me it would have been sin.  At the time, I recognized the argument and was excited to realize that this was a way of tempting me that Satan had not needed to use before.

I still am tempted in the older more basic ways, but that kind of temptation has less and less of a hold on me.  I think new and varied attacks are a great indicator that we are on the right track with the Lord.

Changing Gears

Recognizing that I need to stop my puny human efforts to change my wife, I have reined in my tongue. I have tried to keep my communication with her to the minimum needed to run the house and plan the immediate future. This is not too hard, since she does not generally address anything directly to me. What is hard and surprising, is what has happened spiritually in the last couple days.

Recognition that much of my behavior, good or bad, has been controlling has not made my days any easier. I find myself falling back into personal patterns of grasping and despondency. I am also being tempted like I have not been tempted in a while.

I know this is a sign that I was depending on my own efforts to sustain me. This should throw me even more completely on the Lord. I struggle. In my head I know that what is happening is for my good, that God does not put his children through the wringer for no purpose. My prayer life has been a little stunted, but this morning one of the first things I had to do was thank the Lord for loving me enough to strip these things from me.

I think my wife continues to write. I hope that she will write out her position and think it through. Writing was her idea, not mine, so it is not a hoop that I have asked her to jump through. At the same time, I wonder if the effort will cause her to throw up her hands and say, “I do not have to justify myself to anyone.” I have been careful not to say anything about her writing to avoid provoking just this kind of reaction.

These are all hard things. I have been encouraging my daughter to “Do Hard Things!” and I find myself faced by the hardest things I have ever faced. I know that you all pray, and I ask for that to continue. I really appreciate the email and phone calls. God has returned me to the point of desperation, I want to respond appropriately.