God is a Complex Carbohydrate

So much of this has to do with dependency on the Lord.  Do I trust Him?  Can I depend on Him for my relationship needs?  If I let go of the idea that I need another person to make me complete, it certainly seems to free up a lot of time and energy.  If I simply wait, at some point He may bring someone into my life, but it would be on His terms not mine.  I have considered trying to date, trying to pursue women my way. but “my way is not very sportsmanlike.”  It feels empty.  I have tried to strike up the conversation, but I find that I cannot.  I know myself well enough, and understand enough of how the Lord views that person, that I’ve got no game.  All I have is Him and me.  It really changes the nature of the conversation.

I no longer see an object of pursuit.  Oh sure, I still wish to pursue, but I am not free to do that.  She has become a person; someone who probably has spiritual needs.  Someone created by God for some purpose besides making me feel important.  I admit that it makes me a little despondant to realize that I cannot ever go back.  I miss the sugar.  God is more of a complex carb.

Keep away from open flame

This morning my pastor asked me what I am doing to guard myself from inappropriate relationships during these early days of my divorce.  I am a walking pile of tinder, the right(or maybe the wrong) woman could put a match to me and I could find myself well on my way to being emotionally entangled before I have a chance to examine or withdraw.   I know this sounds a little passive, the moth and flame analogy is just as valid and implies a little more action on my part.

So, what am I doing?

First I need to constantly examine my motives in talking to or meeting women.  Being a single man at church I already find myself being a little cautious in how I interact with women there.  I do not to do anything that has a brother, husband or father wondering what my motives are.   Out and about, “in the world,” I need to be asking myself if I would have the same kind of interaction with this person if they were the same sex.

For those women that I already have a relationship with, I need to try to keep things at the status quo ante abruptio.  Whatever level of communication I have had, is probably where it should stay for at least the next couple months.  This is not particularly hard for me.  When it comes to text and chat, I only have limited patience for the medium.  I feel that it can create a false sense of immediacy and intimacy between people that otherwise would not be in relationship.  Phone conversations are not hard to limit at this point either.  I would not give a strange woman my home phone, and my cell is my work, so it is generally off limits also.  For women that already have my number(very few).  Time on the phone will be limited to short, purpose driven conversations.  No long rambling hour long conversations about the meaning of life.

This all sounds pretty good doesn’t it?  Some of it comes from a book called Reconcilable Differences that I read a while ago.

The other things that will keep me whole during this time are my time in counseling, faith, and my desire to be faithful to my (ex)wife and children.   In counseling, I have had to face a lot of the roots of my own behavior.   I find that a lot of behaviors that seemed worthwhile before, now have little profit.  This ties into my faith when my counselor asks, “How is that profitable?”  I hate that.     I also believe that I still have a very real responsibility to honor my relationship with my (ex)wife.  I know that any reconciliation would be hard.  I know that the kind of work required would be more painful than whatever I have gone through during the last year.  But I know that if I cut off that option by jumping into some other relationship too soon, I express a lack of faith.  It is also really important that the children watching me walk through this trial, see me go through it as a man of faith.  If I veer off the path for some temporary satisfaction, they will see, or at least be affected by it.  If the relationship is visible to them, and it happens before their mother has introduced another man into their lives, I risk being the one to dash the unspoken hope that mom and dad might get back together.  I am unwilling to do that(ok, I recognize some pride here).

I know this post is long.  I am not actually done.  Having written all this, my next post will have a story that begins to hint at how hard a task I may have set for myself.

Grace v Law

Funny how things go.  Last week after a traumatic two hour phone call with her sister and a meeting with her lawyer, my wife stated that she did not want to talk about the divorce until after the holidays.  I asked her if we were still headed in the same direction, with me staying in the house with the kids.  She simply repeated that she did not wish to talk about it.  I knew that this almost certainly meant she had decided to change directions.  Tuesday night she confirmed my suspicions and told me that she just did not think she could be the one to leave the house.

It really comes down to the fact that if she leaves me in the house with the children, she may never get to live with them again.  Legally she will have little recourse if I do not want the kids to live with her.  We have talked over and over this topic.  I have done everything I can to assure her that changed living arrangements later on are a real possibility.   For her, what is on paper is all that matters.  Beyond that is the knowledge that judges like the status quo when it comes to parenting arangments.  I have said that what is on paper is only the beginning, but she sees it as the end.

Her reality begins and ends with the letter of the law.  Mine begins with the law and moves towards grace.  Living under the law, she assumes that it will be used as a hammer to limit her time with the kids, to punish her for breaking up the family.  Living under grace, I see the law as the minimum required for righteousness, with grace telling me that I must give even more.

Having lost the marriage so badly, I know that I need to “win” the divorce.  Not the proceedings themselves, that is already a lose/lose situation, but life after divorce.  It is my responsibility to make sure that the children know that their mother is honored, respected and loved.  If I have any hope of reconciliation, whether that is as friends or spouses, I must be generous in this.

As my wife talked about her fears, and it became clear that we were operating from such different viewpoints, I suggested she take my appointment with our counselor the next day and talk to him about these things.  I was mildly surpised when she agreed.  She went, they talked, and I am still waiting to hear what the results of the conversation were.