Why Doesn’t This Feel Right?

A few weeks ago, the old flame and I spent a morning at Saturday Market and some time walking around Old Town.   As we walked, I felt a lot of unease.  At first I attributed it to the fact that this place was a part of old dating habits, one of my “standard” dates.  One of my fears as I begin dating and explore a new relationship, is that I will fall into unhealthy old dating patterns.  Flame picked up on this pretty quickly, and started asking questions, picking and poking to get to the bottom of what I was feeling.  We continued to walk and talk, her asking questions and I answering, trying to understand  but not really feeling like I was getting to the root of it.  Finally, she pulled me aside, sat me down, took my hand and said “Ok, whats really going on?”

I thought about it for a while, talking through things as they came to mind, rolling it around in my head.  Eventually, understanding came.  I felt uncomfortable because this was an environment where I indulged my habit of looking at women.   Part of the attraction of a sunny summer day was the chance to ogle women as I walked about.   I do not want to do that anymore.  That day was one in which I was fairly successful not taking advantage of those around me, but it helped me recognize that the sinful habits of the past have long ranging consequences.  I  also realized that I have just begun to understand the scope and depth of my sin.  My counselor called it the capillary action of sin.  There are locations and activities that are not sinful, but because I indulged in sin while at those places it brings up old thoughts and feelings.

Knowledge and understanding brought relief.  As soon as I understood what was going on, I felt the tension lift.  I had freedom.  What a great feeling, and even better was the fact that Flame had been right there with me, questioning my assumptions, popping my bubbles and generally making me think.

I have found a good thing.

Blogging for a Season

I haven’t posted anything in quite a while.  I have three posts sitting in the wings that I will probably never finish.  I do not feel any great need to re-hash the divorce.  A month or two ago My ex-wife introduced the idea of the other man into the children’s lives, effectively releasing me(I feel) from any responsibility for marital reconciliation, so I am done with that.  I may write more about the marriage, and I may write about figuring out life after divorce.  I will almost certainly write more about the problem with porn.

The old flame and I have begun to invest in each other, kindling a new flame.   I will write about that a bit  as we cautiously step forward together.

I am definitely in a new season of life.  The things that are coming to the surface now are the fruit of many years of labor.  As I recognize that fruit, I will try to share it with you all.

Open Flame v. Old Flame

I felt like I had to write that last post to give some grounding to this post.

Many moons ago, when the earth was young and giants still walked the land.  A friend and I were Flirt #1 and Flirt #2 in our college youth group.  There might be some dispute  about which was which, but little dispute about the top two positions.   Two women from a distant land(EWU)  found themselves attending our church for a summer, at least I think it was a summer.  They were pretty and funny and best of all, they were from outside the group.  I should mention, that although we were awful flirts, we were somewhat stymied by the fact that most of the women we knew were sisters in Christ first, and objects of interest second.

So we chased these two.  I chased the brunette and my partner in crime chased the blond.  That summer was the first and almost the only time I went dancing as a single man.  If you grew up in the Portland area, you may remember Lung Fung’s at 82nd and Division.  Remember when Johnny Limbo and the Lugnuts had a regular weekend gig there?  I danced to them!  Summer eventually ended, but we had made enough of an impression to get invited to Cheney for a homecoming dance, at least I think it was homecoming.

This was our chance to go above and beyond the call.  We rented a car and drove from Portland to Cheney for a weekend.  Before we left town we stopped at a Subway shop for lunch.  I do not know if we talked about the trip, or the women or maybe we just reminded the older gentleman manning the counter of himself at that age, but as we left, he called after us, “keep your powder dry!”   To me, this was great.  It was the perfect sendoff to our big adventure.

We drove to Cheney and had a great time.  We dined, we danced and we made out a little.  The ladies took us to a lovely restaurant and paid for our dinner.  I will have to share that story sometime also, or maybe I will ask one of them to write it.   I have written most of the above so that I could share the following story.  It is a seminal, no pun intended(we were good boys), moment.

One of the evenings, at a particular moment, brunette pulled back a little and looked at me asking, “What am I going to do with you?”  In that moment, I thought for the first time ever, “Marry Me!”  I did not verbalize, but I always wondered if she knew the answer to the question.  This was literally the first time I thought to myself, “I could marry this woman.”  I did not, but I think this was the point in my life where I realized that I could actually take that step if I found the right woman.  So brunette has always had a special spot in the back of my mind.  I suppose it might seem a little obsessive to say that this memory runs through my mind more often than most others from college.  I think in all the years since, we have only had contact once or twice.  I have never tracked her or sought her out.  Now here is the punch line to this whole story.  She became a Facebook friend this week.  More to come.