Blogging for a Season

I haven’t posted anything in quite a while.  I have three posts sitting in the wings that I will probably never finish.  I do not feel any great need to re-hash the divorce.  A month or two ago My ex-wife introduced the idea of the other man into the children’s lives, effectively releasing me(I feel) from any responsibility for marital reconciliation, so I am done with that.  I may write more about the marriage, and I may write about figuring out life after divorce.  I will almost certainly write more about the problem with porn.

The old flame and I have begun to invest in each other, kindling a new flame.   I will write about that a bit  as we cautiously step forward together.

I am definitely in a new season of life.  The things that are coming to the surface now are the fruit of many years of labor.  As I recognize that fruit, I will try to share it with you all.

Done with Thriving

I finished Thriving Despite A Difficult Marriage The authors speak of the “difficult spouse,” and I see myself.   Again and again I find myself in the pages of this book.  I have recounted in past posts my lack of leadership in spiritual things, my selfishness with time, money and affection.  I was, and probably am a difficult spouse.   The thing I really did not expect was seeing my (ex)wife on the same pages in many more subtle ways.   She also was a difficult spouse.  I have come to the conclusion that we are all difficult spouses.   The trick is humbly recognizing it and asking the Lord to work in your life to make you more like Him.  The rough thing is that He will probably use your spouse for that purpose.   And if you think you are married to the difficult spouse, don’t congratulate yourself on being the good one.  Chances are, a little self examination will reveal that your self-righteousness has become the thing you depend on, rather than the Lord.

This next statement is a little broad, but it all comes down to this.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your spouse as yourself.  Ok that last sentence was not what I was really thinking, mmmmmm.   Pursue the Lord, love your difficult spouse as He loves you.  “Do this in remembrance of me.”

Teaching to the Test (duex)

Arrrggh

Yes, He is at it again.  Always with the refining, molding, squeezing, breaking.  At least I can see it now.  A few years ago I would not have recognized His hand in my life.   Knowing what is happening sure makes it easier to face the trials that come my way.

Thriving Despite A Difficult Marriage

I picked up this book recently.  Why, when I am divorced, do I buy a book about being in a difficult marriage?  I want to learn.  If I am reunited with my ex at some point I need to understand what went wrong.  If I find myself in another relationship at some point, I want to understand how to keep it healthy and God centered.

As I read the first chapters, I find myself challenged and a little threatened.  Challenged because clearly my marriage was not God centered.  Neither my ex-wife or I were really focused on the Lord.  Instead of developing her own relationship with the Lord, she looked to me for too much.  Instead of taking responsibility for my own walk and lovingly pointing her towards the Lord, I kept her focused on me and I consumed her for my daily bread.   It is threatening because I realize that I was the difficult spouse for a good part of our marriage and I know that if I was with a woman that was truly focused on the Lord, I would not be able to get away with being “difficult”  If she is depending on the Lord, it pulls the carpet out from under the difficult one.  It changes the power and dependency dynamics dramatically.

If you are in a difficult marriage and you are trying to see how be faithful to God through it, read this book.  If your marriage is over and you are struggling to understand the roots of what went wrong, read this book.

Not About Sex

I wonder how many posts I can write about missing my wife before one of you tells me to get a life.  I miss nakedness.  I know that is really a guy thing to say.  But I miss those moments on cold winter nights sliding between cold sheets and snuggling up to be warm.  I miss those “Don’t bother me I am trying to get makeup on” moments after she showered.  Being naked and unashamed is one of the best things God did in creating marriage.  The average adult has over eighteen square feet of skin.  I always reveled in seeing how much of that we could get against each other.  And this is not about sex.  It is about intimacy.  It is about the wonder of how our bodies match each other.  How we are created to match.

So yes I miss my wife.  When I lay in bed alone at night wishing for her to be next to me it is not for sex, but for the smell of her hair and the slow steady breathing as she sleeps in my arms.

The Undiscovered Country of the Princess

I had a conversation last night that I want to continue today.    Cat posted a little snippet of an IM conversation she had, and asked if it was true. The question was can men really be monogamous?  A friend of hers suggested not.  She has an impressive list of things she is willing to do for her man, but is not so sure the effort is worth it if he is not going to be faithful.  My answer goes back to my post in February about Miss Right. It is all about the mystery.  I tend to fall into Eldredge speak when thinking about these things.  Think about the masculine qualities of God,  man has those things in miniature except with more than a dash of sin to mess things up.  He is wild and dangerous, an explorer and conqueror.  If he feels that he has fully explored the woman he is with, he is going to look for the undiscovered country, or he will become complacent in his attitude towards her, or both.   Now here is where I can feel female readers starting to bristle… It is her job to keep him wondering, “what is she thinking?”  Think about the great women in history and legend.  Strong and capable, mysterious and desirable.  Cat referred to this as being a Diva.  I tend towards the knight and princess thing myself.

I think of it more in terms of understanding your position in God’s creation.   He is mysterious, we can spend a lifetime exploring the character of God.  It is to his glory for us to use our intelect to explore him.  There is a reason He does not just hand us a full revelation of Himself when we become a Christion.  Being mysterious and exploring the mystery are two sides of the same character. A lot of these questions come from a lack of security in who we are.  This goes for men and women.   If our marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church, maybe the question should not be “Will he stray?” but “What will I do when he strays?”

I add that last question because I recently read a post that questioned the expectation of monogamy.  Yes it is required by our vows but we throw away lifetimes over indescretion.  We get so focused on this one area of sin, does God do that?  Yes it has consequences, but what do you think?

Throwing Darts into the Whirlwind

I need to write.   Things swirl around me sometimes making it hard to concentrate.  Writing gives me a chance to throw a dart into the swirling mass and pin down some part of it.

I miss my wife.  As I say it, I realize it is not like she stopped being my wife all of a sudden.  Many of the little intimacies that come to mind where withdrawn more than a year ago.  This last year has just been the lingering death of a marriage that she withdrew from over the course of two or three years.  She would probably say it had been longer than that, but I think active, purposeful turning away has been no more than two or three.   So as I think about the things I miss, I realize it is twenty years worth of memories and shared lives.  Over seven thousand days of being one.

Now she has decided she is not my wife.  We have a legal paper that says we are not married.  But is that really all there is?  I know there are many different opinions about this.  I have chosen a way that I think honors the Lord most in my current situation.  I do not think that God so easily releases us from the vows we make before him.  I may not feel released to pursue another marriage until my legal ex chooses to re-marry.  I have to admit the fact she is already in a relationship gives me some reason to think it will not be long before she gets married.  I know there are some who would say I am released as soon as she has been with another man.  Again, I am not so sure.  Is that all the marriage vows are about is the physical relationship?  Short of marriage, how many relationships outside of ours am I required to forgive?  These are hard things.

Grace v Law

Funny how things go.  Last week after a traumatic two hour phone call with her sister and a meeting with her lawyer, my wife stated that she did not want to talk about the divorce until after the holidays.  I asked her if we were still headed in the same direction, with me staying in the house with the kids.  She simply repeated that she did not wish to talk about it.  I knew that this almost certainly meant she had decided to change directions.  Tuesday night she confirmed my suspicions and told me that she just did not think she could be the one to leave the house.

It really comes down to the fact that if she leaves me in the house with the children, she may never get to live with them again.  Legally she will have little recourse if I do not want the kids to live with her.  We have talked over and over this topic.  I have done everything I can to assure her that changed living arrangements later on are a real possibility.   For her, what is on paper is all that matters.  Beyond that is the knowledge that judges like the status quo when it comes to parenting arangments.  I have said that what is on paper is only the beginning, but she sees it as the end.

Her reality begins and ends with the letter of the law.  Mine begins with the law and moves towards grace.  Living under the law, she assumes that it will be used as a hammer to limit her time with the kids, to punish her for breaking up the family.  Living under grace, I see the law as the minimum required for righteousness, with grace telling me that I must give even more.

Having lost the marriage so badly, I know that I need to “win” the divorce.  Not the proceedings themselves, that is already a lose/lose situation, but life after divorce.  It is my responsibility to make sure that the children know that their mother is honored, respected and loved.  If I have any hope of reconciliation, whether that is as friends or spouses, I must be generous in this.

As my wife talked about her fears, and it became clear that we were operating from such different viewpoints, I suggested she take my appointment with our counselor the next day and talk to him about these things.  I was mildly surpised when she agreed.  She went, they talked, and I am still waiting to hear what the results of the conversation were.

Racheting up the tension

As if divorce isn’t hard enough already, here comes Christmas.  And of course the ninety days of legal limbo runs out on or about December 20th.  I am not clear on how fast it could all come together, but it appears that if my wife and I can come to agreement about everything and have signed and filed documents prior to that date, she could get her divorce decree before the holiday.  What a great present!

I think a hundred mean and unkind thoughts over the course of the week.  I manage to bite my tongue on ninety-nine of them.  The one that I speak forth sets us back a week in our work to resolve the un-resolvable.  As odd as it may sound, I would like to get through this part so that I can enjoy the holiday.

I have been looking at life through divorce colored glasses long enough.  I would like to see things from a different perspective.  Every relationship I have will change in some way.  How do I approach parenting after divorce?  How do I approach my need for companionship in a healthy way(is God sufficient)?  How do I approach the Lord as a divorced person(I know that may sound odd, but some will understand).  So many questions.

Parenting Plans: The gift that keeps on giving.

I think that my wife and I successfully completed our parenting plan this last weekend.  And by “successfully completed” I mean neither of us is completely happy with it.  And by “my wife” I mean the woman living in my house who desperately wants to move out and would rather have nothing to do with me during this time.

These are hard things.  I cannot say how many times over the course of our discussion I found myself speechless with anger over what is happening.  Trying to talk about what is best for the children when the best is already off the table, now we are talking about mitigation.  Other motivations where revealed as the weekend went by.  Of course, we both think we should be the parent with the kids, and I have managed to get that question off the table because that conversation goes nowhere.  Another sub-text was my wife’s need to use the plan to show that she had not abandoned the children, that she still cared for them in spite of being the one to move out.  A piece of paper will not do this for anyone, especially the children.

We should be talking about the division of assets next.  There is not much to divide.  We have already been to a financial planner to talk about life after divorce.  I have made a fairly generous offer and believe my wife agrees with it, but she has a number of contrarian voices in her head.  I am hoping that we can give something to the lawyers by next week.   Our ninety days is up just before Christmas.  If we can get a hearing, it is possible we may have a final declaration before the end of the year.  Most likely it will be the first or second week of January.