Teaching to the Test (duex)

Arrrggh

Yes, He is at it again.  Always with the refining, molding, squeezing, breaking.  At least I can see it now.  A few years ago I would not have recognized His hand in my life.   Knowing what is happening sure makes it easier to face the trials that come my way.

Joy, the Bedrock State

If I am filled and being filled by the joy of the Lord, why am I not rushing around laughing and singing…”walking and leaping and praising God.”  Even on days when I feel like I am nearing a state of joyfulness, it does not feel very satisfying.  Why is this?  I think this joy is not an emotion, it is a state of being.  Or maybe it is a phase like the phases of matter.  Gas, liquid, solid and joyful.  Yes.  So, why do our emotions seem so much more powerful and urgent than this joy the Lord has promised us?

I went for a walk (on a winters day) and as I walked, somehow, I got a piece of gravel in my shoe.  It was very small but irritating.  I had to stop, take off my shoe and shake out rock before I could continue.  Later in my walk I crossed a hillside of rocky debris.  Most of these rocks where small enough that I could pick them up and heave them to the side if I wanted to.  Walking over them was uncomfortable; I hurt my ankle and stubbed my toe before I was through.  I rested a minute and continued on, coming to a stream filled with boulders.  I could see the trail on the other side, but I would have to hop from boulder to boulder to get there.  I took a leap to the first boulder.  I made it, but when I tried to stand it started to rock.  I jumped quickly for the next boulder, which did the same thing.  All the way across the stream these boulders, some of them bigger than me, teetered and tottered as I tried to balance on them.  Finally I was across.  I found myself standing on bare granite.  The trail faded into the expanse of unmarked bedrock.  I was able to relax.  The rock was stable.  I could move with confidence while I was on it.  After a few minutes I really stopped noticing the trail completely.  I was able to look around and enjoy the scenery that I had missed while I was making my way across all those little rocks.

Maybe I have spent so much of my life trying to balance on emotional boulders that standing on bedrock feels a little funny.

Joy, Always Present.

One of my friends very consistently reminds me of the Joy of the Lord.  I have written of the emotional ups and downs of this time.  I have struggled to find a stable position.  Yesterday morning an old song was running through my head.  “Joy is the flag that is flown from the castle of my heart…for the King is in residence there.”   As I went through my day, it ran through the back of my head.

We are promised joy. We are told to rejoice.  His joy is in us.  Why don’t I always see/know it?  The castle in the song helps me to answer that question.  When you are far from the castle,  the flag is easy to see, it flies from the highest pinnacle, a promise of what is present there.  As you travel towards the castle, getting closer to the heart of things, you may travel through forests that only give you an occasional glimpse of the castle.  At some point you come out of the forest into open farmland, your goal is there in front of you, the way seems clear.  Even so, as you walk, you pass through villages and towns where your view is blocked by houses and tall buildings.  In fact, the closer you get the harder it is to see the flag.  And when you get right up to the castle walls, you may not be able to see the flag at all.  You will not see the flag again until you come the the gate and pass through the portcullis into the inner courtyard, and there far above you is the flag.

I know this is all very Bunyanesque.  It is a journey though.  It was so much easier as a younger man to say, I want to be a man after God’s heart.  The goal was far away and easy to see.  I could wander in just about any direction and still see it, still have my face pointed towards it.  Now the route is more circuitous, progress seems slower, and although others tell me I am getting closer, it is harder to see.

I want to live in the castle at the heart of things.  My heart His heart, His heart my heart.  I know it is nearby.  I….just…have…to….keep…..moving…..forward.