What is your position?

I find myself in an odd position this morning. H has confirmed that she will be at the counselors, but she might be late. I know that she will make some effort, and this does not bother me.

I am oddly detached as I face this day. I feel like I have done all I can do, and now I must stand, not that I am not still praying. I have a band of Godly brothers who are praying who are serious about lifting up H and I. I know that God is answering prayer. I know that angels are in motion and there is a great battle taking place for God’s glory and that the winner is inevitable.

I have come to understand that I will never get back the idol that was H. I pray that God will restore her to me as a true bride that I can rejoice in and can walk forward with in faith. At the same time I understand that she herself may yet face trials unimagined by me. I pray that this is not the case, or that it will be something I can walk with her in.

I know that my own trials are for my good. I am constantly turning to Him for the reasurance I need, and remind myself that God’s work is never finished, regardless of our circumstances.

I continue to pray for mercy for my children, that God would stay H’s hand, and would pull her anger from her. Taking it from her grasp so that she has trouble renewing her hold on it.

Fast For The Birds

T, I appreciated you word from the pulpit Sunday morning. I understood, and had already considered that H might come back with a negative decision. I was prepared for that, and prepared to throw myself on the Lord if that was the case.
Instead, H came back with no decision at all, just a continued commitment to her current course. This was probably harder for me than either of the other options. I asked what her expectations were for our relationship. She does not expect it to get better. She expects that sooner or later, she will talk to a lawyer. I asked her again to look to the Lord. To trust him. I talked about the things I am learning, and the things I am trying to show the children. I talked about what the breaking of our covenant would mean to our children. How badly it will hinder us when they go through these same problems, and we cannot speak to them of God’s faithfulness. I cannot begin to tell what it would mean for our oldest daughter.
I continue to try to focus on the Lord. More and more I am aware of how little I have looked to Him for my daily bread. I listened to that song this morning “This is my daily bread, this is my daily bread….” It really struck me that I have been consuming my wife for many years instead of the Lord. This led me to pray for replenishment for her spirit. I continue to be convicted about how poorly I have husbanded my wife.
Understanding the depth of my sin has made it much easier to accept these current trials. I know that whatever I have going forward will come from the Lord.
I tried fasting Sunday. I bet it has been more than twenty years since I last did that. I decided that I would break my fast with H when she got back. This was my first mistake, she was about two hours later than I thought she would be. Other than that, I was miserable. I had a headache a lot of the day, some of it from caffeine I’m sure. I had big plans to use my hungry times to pray. Instead I found myself convicted about my appetites and motives. It was not until near the end of the day when I thought that H would be arriving soon, that I came to the point of bowing before God and acknowledging what a wretched man I am. I know God’s purpose was accomplished in this, but as one who has never disciplined his body, all I can say is ouch!

Yes, Yes, Yes

Seeing a subject line like that, I bet you thought you were going to read about some great breakthrough with H. NOT.

Instead, you are going to read of God’s great love for me, and his desire to have an intimate relationship with me. “Come and listen, all you who fear the Lord, let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth, his praise was on my tongue…” So, I got the MP3 player, loaded it up, with messages about marriage and husbanding and such from John Piper, C.J. Mahaney and a few others. All excellent, all good. I listened to a couple over the weekend and back and forth to work. Each message I listened to got me excited about what marriage really symbolizes, and excited to share what I was learning with my wife. This was frustrating for me. Picture me, my heart freshly basted by a session focused on my marriage, approaching my stone faced wife. Not a pretty sight. Tuesday, I was really feeling like I needed to shift my focus to the Lord, my relationship with Him. So I started looking for messages focused on the character of God, on worship and prayer. Yesterday with Lane, he confirmed this, saying that the closer my spirit is lined up with the Holy Spirit, the more likely I will be given effective words and effective prayers that will speak to H’s spirit.
This morning I really tried to shift the focus of my quiet time, and I was met. My spirit cried “YES, YES, YES” as I spent time in meditation and worship. And this morning as I left for work, I told H “Do not be afraid.” Something it had never occurred to me to say before.

Thank you for your prayers,

After God,