Why Doesn’t This Feel Right?

A few weeks ago, the old flame and I spent a morning at Saturday Market and some time walking around Old Town.   As we walked, I felt a lot of unease.  At first I attributed it to the fact that this place was a part of old dating habits, one of my “standard” dates.  One of my fears as I begin dating and explore a new relationship, is that I will fall into unhealthy old dating patterns.  Flame picked up on this pretty quickly, and started asking questions, picking and poking to get to the bottom of what I was feeling.  We continued to walk and talk, her asking questions and I answering, trying to understand  but not really feeling like I was getting to the root of it.  Finally, she pulled me aside, sat me down, took my hand and said “Ok, whats really going on?”

I thought about it for a while, talking through things as they came to mind, rolling it around in my head.  Eventually, understanding came.  I felt uncomfortable because this was an environment where I indulged my habit of looking at women.   Part of the attraction of a sunny summer day was the chance to ogle women as I walked about.   I do not want to do that anymore.  That day was one in which I was fairly successful not taking advantage of those around me, but it helped me recognize that the sinful habits of the past have long ranging consequences.  I  also realized that I have just begun to understand the scope and depth of my sin.  My counselor called it the capillary action of sin.  There are locations and activities that are not sinful, but because I indulged in sin while at those places it brings up old thoughts and feelings.

Knowledge and understanding brought relief.  As soon as I understood what was going on, I felt the tension lift.  I had freedom.  What a great feeling, and even better was the fact that Flame had been right there with me, questioning my assumptions, popping my bubbles and generally making me think.

I have found a good thing.

I like to write, but…

For second and third grade I had the same teacher both years, she was a wonderful woman at the beginning of her career. She was young and pretty, and of course I had a crush on her. She instilled in me a love of reading and writing that has never gone away. In college I fell into History and English as majors. This gave me plenty of opportunities to exercise both my loves. Fifteen and twenty page research papers are challenging. I lived in the writing lab, always looking for feedback, suggestions and kudos. I also write poetry, a few children’s stories and the occasional rant. Despite all this, it is fairly daunting to consider writing for the world to see. I have no illusions about how many people will find and read these posts, but the thought is slightly intimidating. Hopefully this will keep me from being boring.