Be Be Be Be Be Be Be maybe get to do.

I feel like I should just cut and post Romans 6-8 here and be done.  So many of the things I have written about in the last year are things I have struggled with throughout my life.  Many of the principles at work are things that I have always given mental assent to.  If not for Christ I would be a monster.  By grace, I am saved, regenerated, renewed.  I know I have written this before, but it is the only thing.

There is nothing else.  I am beginning to know it.  I will probably always be beginning to know it.  Most likely I will die knowing that I have just barely scratched the surface of the depths of God’s love for me.  Knowing grace is the key.  I need to let it flow through me.  If it is not flowing through me, do I really know it?

I fail often.  When I fail I apologize.  I ask forgiveness.  Some have said that my failures are a sign that I do not know it, do not mean it, am not really trying to live it.  The key is what I do with that failure.  I can internalize it, beat myself up for days, weeks or years, or I can give it to the Lord and move ahead.  Yes I fail, yes I will probably fail again tomorrow.  I have only truly failed if I am turned away from Christ by my failure.  I must keep pressing on.  Even if sometimes all I am doing is leaning into the wind that blows against me.

It is so simple it makes me want to pound the keyboard.

Arrgghhh

Yesterday was my regular counseling appointment.  I usually spend the days leading up to my appointment trying to figure out what I should talk about.  Not to control the conversation, but to get the most good from it.  Often I try to bring in the general themes of what I have been reading, hearing and writing.  How my days have been, what my interaction with my wife has been like and anything else I can cram in.   He in turn finds a particular thread and pulls on it to see where it leads.  Yesterday the threads lead to some uncomfortable places, as they should.

First, One can only control things, not God created beings.   Women are not objects to be controlled or manipulated into giving me what I want.  And especially I cannot control my wife.  Fellow beings created in Gods image deserve every bit of respect and care that I can muster.  Like I said in an earlier post, this really kills my game, because it is no longer a game.  This is serious business.  It is not like I can go looking for a woman who wasn’t created by God.  I cannot classify some as objects and some not.  Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, conviction, conviction, conviction.

Second, being the one in the house with the kids, I have an incredible position of power.  I can exact vengeance and demand justice, or I can show mercy and grace.  The first born son wants justice.  It does not seem right that she should be at the house every day.  It does not seem right that she should be eating dinner with us.  She has divorced me, and justice demands that she stop trying to play house.  But what about grace?  I have been driving around with Colossians 3:12-14 on my dashboard this week, trying to remind myself of how I should be treating my wife.  I have not done very well.  It is incredibly hard not to punish her for what she has done.  Coming home to her is pain.  Watching her walk out the door at the end of the evening is pain.  My counselor pointed out that showing her grace and love during this time is “top tier” stuff.  My actions and attitudes can show her and the kids Christ’s character, or I can lead them down to bitterness and anger.  These things will have generational impact.   Staying available for reconciliation does no good if I am doing it for righteousness’ sake.   Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Conviction, Conviction, Conviction.

Grace v Law

Funny how things go.  Last week after a traumatic two hour phone call with her sister and a meeting with her lawyer, my wife stated that she did not want to talk about the divorce until after the holidays.  I asked her if we were still headed in the same direction, with me staying in the house with the kids.  She simply repeated that she did not wish to talk about it.  I knew that this almost certainly meant she had decided to change directions.  Tuesday night she confirmed my suspicions and told me that she just did not think she could be the one to leave the house.

It really comes down to the fact that if she leaves me in the house with the children, she may never get to live with them again.  Legally she will have little recourse if I do not want the kids to live with her.  We have talked over and over this topic.  I have done everything I can to assure her that changed living arrangements later on are a real possibility.   For her, what is on paper is all that matters.  Beyond that is the knowledge that judges like the status quo when it comes to parenting arangments.  I have said that what is on paper is only the beginning, but she sees it as the end.

Her reality begins and ends with the letter of the law.  Mine begins with the law and moves towards grace.  Living under the law, she assumes that it will be used as a hammer to limit her time with the kids, to punish her for breaking up the family.  Living under grace, I see the law as the minimum required for righteousness, with grace telling me that I must give even more.

Having lost the marriage so badly, I know that I need to “win” the divorce.  Not the proceedings themselves, that is already a lose/lose situation, but life after divorce.  It is my responsibility to make sure that the children know that their mother is honored, respected and loved.  If I have any hope of reconciliation, whether that is as friends or spouses, I must be generous in this.

As my wife talked about her fears, and it became clear that we were operating from such different viewpoints, I suggested she take my appointment with our counselor the next day and talk to him about these things.  I was mildly surpised when she agreed.  She went, they talked, and I am still waiting to hear what the results of the conversation were.