Be Be Be Be Be Be Be maybe get to do.

I feel like I should just cut and post Romans 6-8 here and be done.  So many of the things I have written about in the last year are things I have struggled with throughout my life.  Many of the principles at work are things that I have always given mental assent to.  If not for Christ I would be a monster.  By grace, I am saved, regenerated, renewed.  I know I have written this before, but it is the only thing.

There is nothing else.  I am beginning to know it.  I will probably always be beginning to know it.  Most likely I will die knowing that I have just barely scratched the surface of the depths of God’s love for me.  Knowing grace is the key.  I need to let it flow through me.  If it is not flowing through me, do I really know it?

I fail often.  When I fail I apologize.  I ask forgiveness.  Some have said that my failures are a sign that I do not know it, do not mean it, am not really trying to live it.  The key is what I do with that failure.  I can internalize it, beat myself up for days, weeks or years, or I can give it to the Lord and move ahead.  Yes I fail, yes I will probably fail again tomorrow.  I have only truly failed if I am turned away from Christ by my failure.  I must keep pressing on.  Even if sometimes all I am doing is leaning into the wind that blows against me.

It is so simple it makes me want to pound the keyboard.

Seeing the Big Picture

During the last few months I have struggled with God’s will.  I have done some thinking about His general will vs his specific will and our free will.  I do not get very far in this struggle before I am forced to go back to Job 42.  Last Saturday John Piper posted an article titled Can Jesus Weep Over What He Wills that adds another twist to the unfathomable depths of the Lord.   I wish I could see more of the big picture.

Drive Time Ramblings

Driving in to work this morning I witnessed a great sunrise in a clear blue sky.  It refreshed my heart to breath the clear cool air and enjoy the lightening sky.  It is a simple pleasure, but as I write, I recognize the massive complexity that is involved in those moments of pleasure.  God sustains it all by his word and will.  He is actively involved in making it happen and more than that, he recognizes and responds to the pleasure that each person takes in his work.  How great is our God.

The Last Samurai

My family is away on vacation for two weeks. I stayed home in part for work, and in part because my wife does not want me along. While they are gone, I watch movies and try to stay busy around the house. Last night I watched The Last Samurai. As I watched, I found myself wanting to draw parallels to the Christian life. I know that my life falls far short of the discipline of the Samurai, and even more so the discipline of Christ.

I was struck by the pursuit of beauty and perfection in all things.

I was struck by the discipline of the Samurai and peace that comes from it.

I was struck by the acknowledgment that a fight well fought was a thing worthy in itself.

At the end when the Emperor asks T.C. to tell how the Samurai died, T.C. says “I will tell you how he lived.” As one who is continually dieing, I would like someone to be able to talk of how I died, and then at the end of it all, talk about how I lived.

Wait

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Be still, and know that I am God

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Clearly there is something to be said for waiting on the Lord. Especially when it is the hardest thing to do. It is usually easier to grasp at action than to wait on what God has in mind. This is the foolishness of faith. Will action be called for at some point? I think so. Will I recognize it when it comes? I do not know. What if I never see a clear path to reconciliation. At some point confrontation may be needed, am I the one to do that? I can only wait.

Balancing Beer and Ice cream

I recently read a post at Without Wax concerning balance in our lives. The author, Pete Wilson, is pastor at a church in Nashville. He had originally written about receiving a lottery ticket for his birthday, which caused a bit of a ruckus. His follow-up post had more to do with balance than it did with gambling. I had to chuckle when he also mentioned “fast food, movie rentals, ice cream and other things that we blow money on to entertain ourselves.” I commented that I had to give up ice cream when I discovered beer. This is actually true, but still funny.

As relates to the lottery, I do buy a ticket when it gets up over $250 million. It is fun to dream about what I would do or buy. One of the comments on the other post mentioned God’s riches, which really made me think. Being an adopted son of the Almighty, how much time do I spend dreaming about his riches and my inheritance? OUCH

The Fear of Isaac

In Genesis, when Jacob has finished his time with Laban and is returning to his homeland, Laban pursues him. In the midst of their conversation, Jacob refers to the Lord as the “Fear of Isaac.” A few verses later, he takes an oath in the name of the “Fear of his father Isaac.” There is no other place where God is referred to in this way. thinking about it, I can only imagine what Isaac’s relationship with the Lord must have been like, for his children to refer to it in this way.

My thought is that Isaac never really got over almost being sacrificed as a child. God had asked for his life and only relented as the knife was raised. Isaac may have taken this to heart and lived in fear of the Lord, of what the Lord might ask of him all his days. If he understood why the Lord had done this, it may have kept him from holding anything or anyone too tightly. Being human, there is a good chance he overcompensated and had a tough time in relationship with his sons. Do we see the consequences in his son’s lives? Is it reflected in their relationship with their mother or wives?

Changing Gears

Recognizing that I need to stop my puny human efforts to change my wife, I have reined in my tongue. I have tried to keep my communication with her to the minimum needed to run the house and plan the immediate future. This is not too hard, since she does not generally address anything directly to me. What is hard and surprising, is what has happened spiritually in the last couple days.

Recognition that much of my behavior, good or bad, has been controlling has not made my days any easier. I find myself falling back into personal patterns of grasping and despondency. I am also being tempted like I have not been tempted in a while.

I know this is a sign that I was depending on my own efforts to sustain me. This should throw me even more completely on the Lord. I struggle. In my head I know that what is happening is for my good, that God does not put his children through the wringer for no purpose. My prayer life has been a little stunted, but this morning one of the first things I had to do was thank the Lord for loving me enough to strip these things from me.

I think my wife continues to write. I hope that she will write out her position and think it through. Writing was her idea, not mine, so it is not a hoop that I have asked her to jump through. At the same time, I wonder if the effort will cause her to throw up her hands and say, “I do not have to justify myself to anyone.” I have been careful not to say anything about her writing to avoid provoking just this kind of reaction.

These are all hard things. I have been encouraging my daughter to “Do Hard Things!” and I find myself faced by the hardest things I have ever faced. I know that you all pray, and I ask for that to continue. I really appreciate the email and phone calls. God has returned me to the point of desperation, I want to respond appropriately.

Is this significant?

Introductions or explanations would seem to be in order. I have had this Blog name floating around in my head for a few years. Originally I thought this would be current events and political. I may still do some of that, but I am just as likely to write about what God is doing in my life. I am experiencing a real awakening right now, so that is what is foremost in my mind.