Grace v Law

Funny how things go.  Last week after a traumatic two hour phone call with her sister and a meeting with her lawyer, my wife stated that she did not want to talk about the divorce until after the holidays.  I asked her if we were still headed in the same direction, with me staying in the house with the kids.  She simply repeated that she did not wish to talk about it.  I knew that this almost certainly meant she had decided to change directions.  Tuesday night she confirmed my suspicions and told me that she just did not think she could be the one to leave the house.

It really comes down to the fact that if she leaves me in the house with the children, she may never get to live with them again.  Legally she will have little recourse if I do not want the kids to live with her.  We have talked over and over this topic.  I have done everything I can to assure her that changed living arrangements later on are a real possibility.   For her, what is on paper is all that matters.  Beyond that is the knowledge that judges like the status quo when it comes to parenting arangments.  I have said that what is on paper is only the beginning, but she sees it as the end.

Her reality begins and ends with the letter of the law.  Mine begins with the law and moves towards grace.  Living under the law, she assumes that it will be used as a hammer to limit her time with the kids, to punish her for breaking up the family.  Living under grace, I see the law as the minimum required for righteousness, with grace telling me that I must give even more.

Having lost the marriage so badly, I know that I need to “win” the divorce.  Not the proceedings themselves, that is already a lose/lose situation, but life after divorce.  It is my responsibility to make sure that the children know that their mother is honored, respected and loved.  If I have any hope of reconciliation, whether that is as friends or spouses, I must be generous in this.

As my wife talked about her fears, and it became clear that we were operating from such different viewpoints, I suggested she take my appointment with our counselor the next day and talk to him about these things.  I was mildly surpised when she agreed.  She went, they talked, and I am still waiting to hear what the results of the conversation were.

Changing Gears

Recognizing that I need to stop my puny human efforts to change my wife, I have reined in my tongue. I have tried to keep my communication with her to the minimum needed to run the house and plan the immediate future. This is not too hard, since she does not generally address anything directly to me. What is hard and surprising, is what has happened spiritually in the last couple days.

Recognition that much of my behavior, good or bad, has been controlling has not made my days any easier. I find myself falling back into personal patterns of grasping and despondency. I am also being tempted like I have not been tempted in a while.

I know this is a sign that I was depending on my own efforts to sustain me. This should throw me even more completely on the Lord. I struggle. In my head I know that what is happening is for my good, that God does not put his children through the wringer for no purpose. My prayer life has been a little stunted, but this morning one of the first things I had to do was thank the Lord for loving me enough to strip these things from me.

I think my wife continues to write. I hope that she will write out her position and think it through. Writing was her idea, not mine, so it is not a hoop that I have asked her to jump through. At the same time, I wonder if the effort will cause her to throw up her hands and say, “I do not have to justify myself to anyone.” I have been careful not to say anything about her writing to avoid provoking just this kind of reaction.

These are all hard things. I have been encouraging my daughter to “Do Hard Things!” and I find myself faced by the hardest things I have ever faced. I know that you all pray, and I ask for that to continue. I really appreciate the email and phone calls. God has returned me to the point of desperation, I want to respond appropriately.

Fast For The Birds

T, I appreciated you word from the pulpit Sunday morning. I understood, and had already considered that H might come back with a negative decision. I was prepared for that, and prepared to throw myself on the Lord if that was the case.
Instead, H came back with no decision at all, just a continued commitment to her current course. This was probably harder for me than either of the other options. I asked what her expectations were for our relationship. She does not expect it to get better. She expects that sooner or later, she will talk to a lawyer. I asked her again to look to the Lord. To trust him. I talked about the things I am learning, and the things I am trying to show the children. I talked about what the breaking of our covenant would mean to our children. How badly it will hinder us when they go through these same problems, and we cannot speak to them of God’s faithfulness. I cannot begin to tell what it would mean for our oldest daughter.
I continue to try to focus on the Lord. More and more I am aware of how little I have looked to Him for my daily bread. I listened to that song this morning “This is my daily bread, this is my daily bread….” It really struck me that I have been consuming my wife for many years instead of the Lord. This led me to pray for replenishment for her spirit. I continue to be convicted about how poorly I have husbanded my wife.
Understanding the depth of my sin has made it much easier to accept these current trials. I know that whatever I have going forward will come from the Lord.
I tried fasting Sunday. I bet it has been more than twenty years since I last did that. I decided that I would break my fast with H when she got back. This was my first mistake, she was about two hours later than I thought she would be. Other than that, I was miserable. I had a headache a lot of the day, some of it from caffeine I’m sure. I had big plans to use my hungry times to pray. Instead I found myself convicted about my appetites and motives. It was not until near the end of the day when I thought that H would be arriving soon, that I came to the point of bowing before God and acknowledging what a wretched man I am. I know God’s purpose was accomplished in this, but as one who has never disciplined his body, all I can say is ouch!