Bringing things up to date

My employer shuts down for a Christmas break.  We get the usual paid days off and then use earned leave for the rest.  This has been the case for most of the ten years that I have been with the company.  Many years I have had projects that have taken me to work when everyone else was off.  This year I truly took the time off.  A friend gave me a trial account for World of Warcraft.  This has got to be the second most addicting on-line activity I have seen.  There is a reason it is nicknamed Warcrack.  The game is very complex and the graphics are great.  I played a lot over the break.  Now with school(for the kids), work, and divorce taking up my time, I am trying to decide how much time I can really give to this game, whether it is worth keeping up a membership.

The holidays were ok.  I really missed the things that we usually do as a couple.  Christmas is one of the most romantic snuggly times of year for me.   I think without the usual jigsaw puzzle and Warcraft, I would have gone bananas.   My wife waffled during this time, but, due to some good(?) counsel, has finally decided to own the divorce.  She announced to the kids this weekend that she would be the one moving out.  She has not given the go ahead to prepare final papers, but I do not believe she will jerk the kids around by changing her mind.

That kind of brings things up to date.  I appreciate the concern of my regular reader.

Speed bump

So, just when I thought it was safe to think about tomorrow…  My wife came home from her lawyer’s office with a completely different attitude.  She will not talk about anything, sign anything, do anything until after the holidays.   She will not even say if we are still on the same track as far as the house and kids go.  I asked  a couple different ways for some communication.  I would really like to know if I need to start looking for an apartment.  I had really hoped to be done with the uncertainty before Christmas, instead, I get an increased level.

I see a couple things at work here.  Earlier this week my wife had a rather long conversation with her sister .  The family is adamantly opposed to me being the one in the house with the kids.  My wife has had to cut off most communication with them because of the arguments.  These arguments and the upcoming holiday have certainly added to the stress in her life.  Her lawyer would certainly be able to hear and see this, and may simply have recommended that she stop everything.  It has only been ninety days since she filed, what is a few more weeks?  On the other hand, whenever the possibility of still living together in February comes up, she gets very depressed.

The other thing that is really working here is a power and control game.  For what she believes is the first time in our marriage, she has the power!  This is her divorce, it will proceed at her pace.  She does not have to talk with me about it.  If she wishes to wait a few weeks, she can.

What can I do about this? Nothing!  Throughout the last eight months I have been repeatedly faced with opportunities to put into practice the things the God has been showing me.  I am starting to recognize the pattern.  Hear some good preaching, read some good verses, take the test.  It has happened again with this situation.  The last few weeks I have heard a number of good lessons about not worrying.  This helped me to negotiate the division of assets without getting too worked up about any of it.  Now I find myself faced by the bonus question.  If God works all things for good to those who love Him, I am not to worry, and in fact I should give thanks, how do I react to this situation?  I did not handle it really well last night.  It does not help when my wife looks at me with less regard than she might give the dog.  It has been incredibly tough to live together through this process.  I was really looking forward to being done.

I must give thanks.  Thanks for the chance to be married a few more weeks.  Thanks for a reminder that I am not in control.  He is in control, and I really have no idea what His plans are.  Thanks for the reminder that I just need to be present during the next couple weeks.  What I can see, is only the tip of the iceberg.  I need to trust in Him.

Getting out more Christmas

This morning as I was unpacking the company Christmas tree, it occurred to me that I have a whole other set of Christmas duties.  For most of the last ten years I have been the one to get out the tree and set it up.  It is a fairly nice artificial tree.  I am usually the guy that gets to plug in the lights each morning and unplug it when I leave.  When I was working earlier hours, I left the overhead lights off and just plugged in the tree so that people could enjoy the lights.  I am also the guy that people come to for extension cords for the little strings of lights that they bring from home.  It has taken most of ten years to get them trained to not bring cords from home.

I have not said it to anyone yet, but I can write it here, Merry Christmas!

Racheting up the tension

As if divorce isn’t hard enough already, here comes Christmas.  And of course the ninety days of legal limbo runs out on or about December 20th.  I am not clear on how fast it could all come together, but it appears that if my wife and I can come to agreement about everything and have signed and filed documents prior to that date, she could get her divorce decree before the holiday.  What a great present!

I think a hundred mean and unkind thoughts over the course of the week.  I manage to bite my tongue on ninety-nine of them.  The one that I speak forth sets us back a week in our work to resolve the un-resolvable.  As odd as it may sound, I would like to get through this part so that I can enjoy the holiday.

I have been looking at life through divorce colored glasses long enough.  I would like to see things from a different perspective.  Every relationship I have will change in some way.  How do I approach parenting after divorce?  How do I approach my need for companionship in a healthy way(is God sufficient)?  How do I approach the Lord as a divorced person(I know that may sound odd, but some will understand).  So many questions.

Getting out Christmas

We keep Christmas in the attic space above our garage.   Over the years we have accumulated enough Christmas that it takes seven large rubbermaid totes to hold it all.  They fit nicely on a platform in the attic and can be passed through the access hatch with relative ease.  Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving I bring the ladder in and pass down the totes to my wife or older children.   If it is not raining, this is followed shortly by the stringing of Christmas lights along the gutter and windows of the house.  This afternoon as I tried to remember how we did it last year I nodded to my neighbor who was out hanging a couple new strands of icicle lights.  I also noticed the new guy down the street stringing lights along his front fence.  Just another day in paradise?

Just an hour or so earlier, my neighbors boy had yelled “I hate you!” at his dad who calmly responded with “I love you” as he left for the store.  His son is young enough that it made me laugh as I recalled the times one or another of my children had said something similar.

I am in the last throws of divorce negotiations and trying to figure out how to keep it from completely ruining Christmas for the children.

The new guy?  Who knows?  I bet he has his problems.  And yet we all do this same thing in preparation for the holiday.  Declaring that in spite of it all, Christmas will come to our house.  I look forward desperately to the birth of my Savior.  I look forward to this annual declaration that God has not left us alone on this earth, but has sent his son to live and die for us.

As I read that last sentence, I know that a number of people will wish to remind me that God is with us always.   I know this.  I am reminded of it all the time.  I strive to make it a reality in my life.  I long for comfortable, drinking coffee together in your pajamas, intimacy with the Lord.  Christmas is just a stunning reminder that we can actually have that kind of intimacy.  That is one of the reasons he came.

Parenting Plans: The gift that keeps on giving.

I think that my wife and I successfully completed our parenting plan this last weekend.  And by “successfully completed” I mean neither of us is completely happy with it.  And by “my wife” I mean the woman living in my house who desperately wants to move out and would rather have nothing to do with me during this time.

These are hard things.  I cannot say how many times over the course of our discussion I found myself speechless with anger over what is happening.  Trying to talk about what is best for the children when the best is already off the table, now we are talking about mitigation.  Other motivations where revealed as the weekend went by.  Of course, we both think we should be the parent with the kids, and I have managed to get that question off the table because that conversation goes nowhere.  Another sub-text was my wife’s need to use the plan to show that she had not abandoned the children, that she still cared for them in spite of being the one to move out.  A piece of paper will not do this for anyone, especially the children.

We should be talking about the division of assets next.  There is not much to divide.  We have already been to a financial planner to talk about life after divorce.  I have made a fairly generous offer and believe my wife agrees with it, but she has a number of contrarian voices in her head.  I am hoping that we can give something to the lawyers by next week.   Our ninety days is up just before Christmas.  If we can get a hearing, it is possible we may have a final declaration before the end of the year.  Most likely it will be the first or second week of January.