Teaching to the Test

During the last 5 months there have been a number of times when the lessons I am learning, whether in podcast, download, or reading, have all come together to form a theme.  Faith, personal discipline, service, in each case the lesson has been followed by a test.  I am happy to be able to say that I am at least receiving a passing grade.  God has met me at each point of crisis and said, “Remember your lessons.”

This last week I have had a confluence of teaching relating to the soveregnity of God.  This weekend I faced a test over this.  I understood and tried to apply what I had learned.  The knowledge that God’s ultimate purpose will be served, is very freeing.  Much of the worry that has plagued me during the last few months has been lifted.  Sure, I still feel pain, but without the extra helping of worry layered on top.  I can even say that I am a little excited to see how God works it all out, especially knowing that it is for my good.

I think I will be careful to avoid teachings on celibacy.

The Power of Words

Here is an excellent video about the power of our words and how to deal with the hurt that other’s words have caused us.  Have You Been Hurt By Words?

I am one who has used words in the past to hurt others.  I struggle still to keep from swinging that sword.  I know that I will always have this struggle, but I am grateful for the way God has been turning my heart.

Seeing the Big Picture

During the last few months I have struggled with God’s will.  I have done some thinking about His general will vs his specific will and our free will.  I do not get very far in this struggle before I am forced to go back to Job 42.  Last Saturday John Piper posted an article titled Can Jesus Weep Over What He Wills that adds another twist to the unfathomable depths of the Lord.   I wish I could see more of the big picture.

Epic battle

Started reading 2nd Samuel chapter 2 this week for our men’s bible study.   I am struck by how much of a men’s book this is.  Epic battles, betrayal, night marches, last stands on lonely hilltops.  It is all very heroic.  How is my life heroic?  Do I give honor and respect to my enemies.  Do I give honor and respect to those above me?  Do I recognize the seriousness of the conflict that I am in?

The Impostor

My writing is below

The Impostor 08/14/2008 From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them. Stuart found he was good at math and science. He shut down his heart and spent all his energies perfecting his “Spock” persona. There, in the academy, he was safe; he was also recognized and rewarded. “When I was eight,” confesses Brennan Manning, “the impostor, or false self, was born as a defense against pain. The impostor within whispered, ‘Brennan, don’t ever be your real self anymore because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know.’” Notice the key phrase: “as a defense against pain,” as a way of saving himself. The impostor is our plan for salvation. So God must take it all away. He thwarts our plan for salvation; he shatters the false self. Our plan for redemption is hard to let go of; it clings to our hearts like an octopus. Why would God do something so terrible as to wound us in the place of our deepest wound? Jesus warned us that “whoever wants to save his life will lose it” (Luke 9:24). Christ is not using the word bios here; he’s not talking about our physical life. The passage is not about trying to save your skin by ducking martyrdom or something like that. The word Christ uses for “life” is the word psyche—the word for our soul, our inner self, our heart. He says that the things we do to save our psyche, our self, those plans to save and protect our inner life—those are the things that will actually destroy us. “There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death,” says Proverbs 16:25. The false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a lie; the whole plan is built on pretense. It’s a deadly trap God loves us too much to leave us there. So he thwarts us, in many, many different ways. (Wild at Heart , 107–8) To subscribe to this email, create a profile at www.ransomedheart.com/myprofile See also the Ransomed Heart Podcast at www.ransomedheart.com/podcast

I get this daily reading from John Eldrege’s writings. I thought today was especially good. I have been an impostor for many years. Only in the last couple years has God begun speaking to me about this in a way that would get my attention. He first began softening me up as I attended the Discipleship group on Saturday morning. Then He hit me with a big bomb. Instead of turning to him, I resented the intrusion. Oh, I tried to rebuild, but it was clear that what had been ok before, would not work anymore. I was expected to build something completely new. It really angered me that my world had crumbled. I did not like the amount of work it would take to build a new thing. I did not understand that it would be Christ in me that would build anything lasting. Instead I chose to live in the rubble, focused on the destruction that had happened.

Being faithful, God is at it again. This time even the rubble is gone, there is no shelter for me. I can no longer sustain even a shadow of my former life. Sometimes I see bits my former comfort off in the distance, and I try to run towards it, but it vanishes before I can get there. The only thing that is constant is the Light. I walk forward into the glare, hoping to find the source.