Funny how things go. Last week after a traumatic two hour phone call with her sister and a meeting with her lawyer, my wife stated that she did not want to talk about the divorce until after the holidays. I asked her if we were still headed in the same direction, with me staying in the house with the kids. She simply repeated that she did not wish to talk about it. I knew that this almost certainly meant she had decided to change directions. Tuesday night she confirmed my suspicions and told me that she just did not think she could be the one to leave the house.
It really comes down to the fact that if she leaves me in the house with the children, she may never get to live with them again. Legally she will have little recourse if I do not want the kids to live with her. We have talked over and over this topic. I have done everything I can to assure her that changed living arrangements later on are a real possibility. For her, what is on paper is all that matters. Beyond that is the knowledge that judges like the status quo when it comes to parenting arangments. I have said that what is on paper is only the beginning, but she sees it as the end.
Her reality begins and ends with the letter of the law. Mine begins with the law and moves towards grace. Living under the law, she assumes that it will be used as a hammer to limit her time with the kids, to punish her for breaking up the family. Living under grace, I see the law as the minimum required for righteousness, with grace telling me that I must give even more.
Having lost the marriage so badly, I know that I need to “win” the divorce. Not the proceedings themselves, that is already a lose/lose situation, but life after divorce. It is my responsibility to make sure that the children know that their mother is honored, respected and loved. If I have any hope of reconciliation, whether that is as friends or spouses, I must be generous in this.
As my wife talked about her fears, and it became clear that we were operating from such different viewpoints, I suggested she take my appointment with our counselor the next day and talk to him about these things. I was mildly surpised when she agreed. She went, they talked, and I am still waiting to hear what the results of the conversation were.
Posted by Signifier 