Getting out Christmas

We keep Christmas in the attic space above our garage.   Over the years we have accumulated enough Christmas that it takes seven large rubbermaid totes to hold it all.  They fit nicely on a platform in the attic and can be passed through the access hatch with relative ease.  Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving I bring the ladder in and pass down the totes to my wife or older children.   If it is not raining, this is followed shortly by the stringing of Christmas lights along the gutter and windows of the house.  This afternoon as I tried to remember how we did it last year I nodded to my neighbor who was out hanging a couple new strands of icicle lights.  I also noticed the new guy down the street stringing lights along his front fence.  Just another day in paradise?

Just an hour or so earlier, my neighbors boy had yelled “I hate you!” at his dad who calmly responded with “I love you” as he left for the store.  His son is young enough that it made me laugh as I recalled the times one or another of my children had said something similar.

I am in the last throws of divorce negotiations and trying to figure out how to keep it from completely ruining Christmas for the children.

The new guy?  Who knows?  I bet he has his problems.  And yet we all do this same thing in preparation for the holiday.  Declaring that in spite of it all, Christmas will come to our house.  I look forward desperately to the birth of my Savior.  I look forward to this annual declaration that God has not left us alone on this earth, but has sent his son to live and die for us.

As I read that last sentence, I know that a number of people will wish to remind me that God is with us always.   I know this.  I am reminded of it all the time.  I strive to make it a reality in my life.  I long for comfortable, drinking coffee together in your pajamas, intimacy with the Lord.  Christmas is just a stunning reminder that we can actually have that kind of intimacy.  That is one of the reasons he came.

An inbound link

I actually have an inbound link from The Wild Mind.  I am in the sidebar, not in a post, but still…

What is kind of funny, is the featured post is about Men are like dogs something I have said before, and something I think ranks right up there with “Men are liars.”  Both statements are a little over the top, but both have enough truth in them to make one chuckle or nod.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

Porn Again Christian fully loaded

It looks like Mark Driscoll has the full text of this book online now.  I have not read all of it, but so far it looks good.

Parenting Plans: The gift that keeps on giving.

I think that my wife and I successfully completed our parenting plan this last weekend.  And by “successfully completed” I mean neither of us is completely happy with it.  And by “my wife” I mean the woman living in my house who desperately wants to move out and would rather have nothing to do with me during this time.

These are hard things.  I cannot say how many times over the course of our discussion I found myself speechless with anger over what is happening.  Trying to talk about what is best for the children when the best is already off the table, now we are talking about mitigation.  Other motivations where revealed as the weekend went by.  Of course, we both think we should be the parent with the kids, and I have managed to get that question off the table because that conversation goes nowhere.  Another sub-text was my wife’s need to use the plan to show that she had not abandoned the children, that she still cared for them in spite of being the one to move out.  A piece of paper will not do this for anyone, especially the children.

We should be talking about the division of assets next.  There is not much to divide.  We have already been to a financial planner to talk about life after divorce.  I have made a fairly generous offer and believe my wife agrees with it, but she has a number of contrarian voices in her head.  I am hoping that we can give something to the lawyers by next week.   Our ninety days is up just before Christmas.  If we can get a hearing, it is possible we may have a final declaration before the end of the year.  Most likely it will be the first or second week of January.

We are all in this together

Jon Spadino at Spadinofamily blog writes a lot about intimacy.  Intimacy with each other and with the Lord.  Recently he wrote about living in the “sweet spot” of the Gospel, and how that affects our attempts at intimacy.  I want to acknowledge up front that a lot of what follows is his.

Occasionally I will send out a note expressing my weariness with how life is going.  The group of men that I trust with this kind of communication is limited to five or six men.  Sometimes I do not hear anything back from them.  Other times I will get one or two comments, or maybe someone will say something the next time we see each other.  One thing I really appreciate is the occasional word of encouragement that says, “We are all in this together.”

We are all in this together, trying to live in the sweetspot of the Gospel.  We are more sinful and weak than we ever dared to admit and… We are more loved and accepted than we ever dared to hope.  It is humbling to remember, and gratifying to know that I am surrounded by a group of guys that are trying to live in the sweet spot of the Gospel.  Struggling to get to the “main thing,” as Jon Spadino would say.

The Four Loves

I am currently reading C. S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves.  Three years ago my counselor asked me to read it.  I bought the book and read it in a day or two.  I learned nothing.  Now, with my wife divorcing me, I figure I should read it again, and for understanding.  I know I am messed up in my affections.  I have known this for a while.  I know that my future relationship with my wife depends on me developing a healthy understanding of how to love her.  I know that any future relationship, Lord willing, is dependent on me having a healthy understanding of these loves.

Are any of my affections properly balanced?    Sin affects them all.  As I read, I recognize excesses and insufficiencies in every area.  I wish I could say, “I have a healthy relationship over here.” but I am not so sure.  I know that some of this comes from condemnation.  It is all a continuum from sin to perfection.  Sin is always right there, while perfection seems so far away.  I know this is not right either.  I know that the Spirit lives in me, and that perfection is just as close as sin.

I try to look at Jesus and figure out how he expressed Love.   His love cannot be nicely divided into four categories.  His expressions of love sometimes astonished and sometimes offended those around him not because they were out of whack, but because they were perfect.  Oh to be like Him.

What Role for Family?

What role does extended family play in a divorce?  As my wife and I continue to negotiate, my parents have generally stayed out of it.  I have gotten little advice from them.  They mostly have been a listening ear.  Her family is just the opposite.  It feels like every time she has communication with them, it sets back our negotiations by weeks.  It makes her question everything we have talked about.  My character and honesty are called into question and my intent is painted as the worst possible.  It seems clear to me that her family does not think I should be with the children.  I think her mother would rather see us sell the house and maybe even break up the kids, rather than me being the primary parent of all four.   Her family makes her question her relationship with the children.   What will they think of her if she moves out?  What will I tell them about her?  I have pointed out that badmouthing her only makes me look bad.

I have worked hard to building an understanding of what our divorce would be like with her.  How we would interact with the children, and how we would interact with each other.  I have encouraged counseling for both of us to work on our relationship.  Not necessarily for the purpose of restoring our marriage, though that is my hope, but simply because we will have a relationship for the rest of our lives and I would like it to be a good one.  It is all very frustrating.

In A Ditch

I am reminded again this morning that Jesus let Lazarus die for the faith of the disciples.  I have so many things that I think are important, so many things that seem more immediate.   Are any of them more important than my faith?  No. No. No.  I am being constantly reminded of this as the Lord confronts me in my sinful disposition.  I try to take control and end up in a ditch by the side of the road.  I spend a lot of time waiting for a tow truck to come along.

I am slowly coming to an understanding of what my long term role will be in my relationship with my wife.  I have been asking her to consider counseling as an individual seperate from me.  She is going to do this.  I have told her and the counselor that I am open to meeting together with him, but he will have to decide when and if that is needed, and she will have to agree to it.  I still hope for reconciliation and at least friendship with my wife.  If we can have that much of a relationship, than it may be possible at some point to re-develop the rest of our relationship.  In the mean time, I continue to struggle with the boundaries that she has set against me, and with the lack of boundaries for herself.  This is probably the cause of most of the daily conflict in our lives.  I know that reduced conflict is desireable, but it is still hard to change habits that have been developed over nineteen years of marriage.