One Big Box

I have gone on a couple dates since the divorce.  I know a couple readers will the asking “What were you thinking?”  Nonetheless, I have gone out a couple times.   Each time I have been out, I have found it very easy to be comfortable with the woman across from me.  Conversation flows easily, flirtation comes naturally and in one or two cases a hand reaching across the table is easily taken.  I have attributed this to my being an “old dog.”  I was married for twenty years, I am comfortable in my skin, and comfortable around a woman.

One particular relationship has progressed to the point of pleasant speculative conversations about the future.  It has also progressed to the point of needing some accountability or chaperonage in the area of physical intimacy.  I mentioned this to my counselor and he gave me an excellent illustration for what I am experiencing.  As a young man, I had many different boxes of relationship materials.  I had a friendship box, a flirtation box, a box of physical intimacy, a love box, and a few others, all of which I would pull things out of when pursuing a woman.  In marriage, all those boxes got dumped into one big box.  Now, as a single man once more, when I am interested in a woman, I only have one box to open, and it has everything in it.  This makes it really hard to have good boundaries.  It makes it especially hard when the things at the top of the box are not the things that should be unpacked first.

Does this discount a relationship?  Since it is so easy, is it worth less?  Does the fact that I can be fairly comfortable with any woman make it less valuable when I am comfortable with a particular woman?  I don’t think so.  I have spent a lot of time digging through that big box, trying to find the important things.  It is kind of like digging through a refrigerator box from the top, it is messy and some things that should not be unpacked end up out of the box, but I think I know what is important.

Being Purposeful

Being present for those around us and being mindful of those that God brings into our lives is a good thing.  It honors them and it honors the Lord through them.  I have to admit I tend to take a negative view of those around me.  Negative in the sense that they draw from me, or need something from me.  People are to be served or cared for, or they are there to discipline me in some area of my life.   I sometimes forget that God will send people into my life to be a blessing, to be His ministers to me.   I discount those blessings because I do not feel worthy.  In John 13:20 Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me; and whoever accepts me accepts the one who sent me.”  When I don’t accept those sent to bless me, am I in some way not accepting Jesus and the Father as well?

Being Mindful

I have been learning a bunch about being mindful, being present for the people that God puts in my life.  I have written before about seeing those around me as fellow created beings, not objects, annoyances or tools.  These people are in my life for a reason.  I should be asking what that reason is.  I have been reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Unleash the Power of Life in Christ I think the author, Peter Scazzero essentially is suggesting that we be mindful of the Lord throughout our day, purposefully taking time to be present with Him.  This then extends to those around us.   I have been working on being mindful and present with my children.  It makes a difference.

I was reading the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet.  I was really struck by how mindful and present Jesus is for the disciples.  Even knowing what He would be going through in a few hours, he washes their feet.   I imagine the disciples remembering that moment years later, when they where faced with trials or death.  The memory giving them strength to witness even in their pain.  How awesome!

First Guest Post

Written by the “old flame” at my request.  This refers back to my previous post about her.

I am often amazed at the cyclical patterns of life.

•           What goes around comes around.

•           Things that spiral out of control.

•           Whoa there….that’s gonna come back to bite you in the butt!

•           If you love something..set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s yours.  (ok, now I’ve dated myself and NO, I did not have  that poster on my wall!)

But since we’re on the topic……

Isn’t it incredible how little we know about the future, and the effect that certain people will have on our lives whether  seasonal, cyclical, or permanent?  God knows.  He is the orchestrator of a lot of it.  He gets the big picture, and even gets to  draw it.  He gets to knowingly place people in our lives, move them out, and then move them back again….maybe like chess pieces,  but in a good way.  So, whether we are the instruments, or music, or crayon, or pencil, or the funny little chess piece that looks  like a castle….we still get to participate and wait for God to do something artistically relational in our lives.

And most times…He doesn’t tell.

When I was a 20 something Brunette at EWU with my 20 something Blond roommate and friend, we typically played life one day at a  time.  Ok, well, maybe that was just me.   Blondie had some specific goals: find a man and get married.  My goals were to graduate  and have fun doing it.  We really didn’t have a lot in common and used to joke about our differences.  She was pink lace and  homemade bread.  I was red satin and a margarita.   In spite of the differences, we became fast friends and some of my best  memories include her in the last few years at EWU.  But there was one in particular….

Formal dances at EWU were fun..but as a woman, they typically didn’t include too much preparation other than getting the right  dress and being ready on time.  We decided to change the rules a bit…so we invited two men from Portland up for the weekend that we  were not only intrigued with, but that we knew would create a wonderful atmosphere of safety, familiarity, and fun.  This was not a  decision that needed much discussion as we seemed to be in constant contact with these two, and they were obvious choices….who else  could compare??? We had a blast being on the “man” end of things…trying to think of something clever and different to do, planning  an evening that would be slightly romantic but also friendship focused so as not to presume or imply any expectations on anyone’s  part, and keeping within a college budget!  We were not let down at all.  Extremely appreciative and eager to be a part of the  plan…the two men did not disappoint.  It was one of the best evenings I remember.

Now…the interesting part is what each person specifically remembers.  Signifier remembers a lot of his own thoughts and emotions  as he went about that weekend.  I remember situations, actions, conversations, and (blushing) some intimate moments.  (Remember, I  was red satin and a margarita…or for those who like to read: a Sanguine.  An extrovert.  A “live in the moment” kind of gal).  I  had no idea that in the specific moment Signifier refers to in his post, he had anything remotely serious on his mind.  If he had  actually uttered the words, “Marry me”…I’m not sure what I would have said in response.  An older wiser me wonders if HOW he said  it would have made a difference.  Had he blurted the words out in spontaneous excitation, I might have just thought he was playing,  and I may have not taken it seriously.  But what if he had moved forward and wrapped his arms around me..whispering the words in my  ear…would that have made a difference?   At that point in my life…not looking long term at anything beyond graduation….would the  words have penetrated my heart, or would they have deflected off my heart and made me run the other direction?   Timing…..there is  a time for everything….

20 some years later…..

For my graduate studies (back in school again!)…my professor encouraged our class to meet on Facebook before meeting in person on  campus.  I had no idea the many people that would suddenly come out of the woodwork when I added my name.  One such person was  Signifier’s friend who came to EWU that evening. We had been talking and reminiscing…when he mentioned that Sig was on Facebook  too.  Sure enough…he was.  Signifier and I became friends…but didn’t really talk much for a while, as I was under the impression  that he was married.  I would continue to talk to Friend……and then one evening Friend said, “you know, since he isn’t married  anymore….I think Signifier would get in his car and come see you right now if you asked him.”  I laughed the comment away…..and  said that Friend lives too much in the past. At that moment, Signifier “pops” into Facebook and we begin chatting, and eventually talking.

What goes around comes back around…sometimes better than before…

Sometimes things spiral IN control…deepening a good foundational friendship….

Sometimes things come back as a kiss on the cheek instead of a bite on the butt!

When you love someone and let them go……sometimes they come back different.  I am reminded of the book of Philemon: “Perhaps the  reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good…………..as a dear brother”

Yes..I think it’s good to see what God will do with His creation….His timing is perfect.

Commenting on Comments

In the previous post I wrote about grocery shopping and how little I liked it, how it really made me feel divorced.  I can write for weeks without anyone bothering to comment in any way, but apparently this little rant hit a raw spot.  All but two of my known female readers responded with little sympathy and no offers for grocery shopping.  The one guy who happened by and commented, exhibited all the finest in male behavior suggesting that I use the market as my personal “market.”

I appreciate all the comments.  Thanks for caring enough to share your thoughts.

Groceries

I really dislike grocery shopping.  If there is one thing that makes me angry about the divorce it is having to go to Winco and wander up and down the aisles trying to make sense of unit pricing and nutritional facts.  I worked hard for twenty years so that my wife did not have to work outside the home.  Yes, over the years she had a number of different jobs, and at times worked quite a few hours outside the house, but the primary job was always managing our household.  I know I may sound a bit chauvinistic here, but dammit, I have not stayed gainfully employed for twenty years so that I can schlep a cart up and down the aisles trying to remember what is not on the list that I should not have had to make.  It is frustrating and humiliating as a man.  It really makes me ask, “What was the point?”

Questions From a Friend

A friend(M), or at least someone I think will become a friend with time, sent me the following questions.

How is porn addiction changing the way people value each other?
Is it possible to have true intimacy in this age of technology?
Are my crows feet getting bigger?

I do not know her well enough to speak to her individual situation, but can at least answer from a man’s point of view.

1. An addiction to porn devalues everyone involved.  The women in the images being viewed is seen as an object instead of another being created in the image of God.  This discounts the value inherent in her creation.  An addiction to porn also devalues the “real” women in a mans life.  They will tend to become objects as well.  There is another step to lower value that occurs when the “object” does not respond as expected.  This might be sexual or it might be in terms of submission, either way an “object” that does not act according to the owners expectations is not very valuable.   Another person devalued by the porn addiction is the man doing the viewing.  I speak from a Christian perspective when I say that the regular viewing of pornography with a lack of repentance and denial of conviction slowly erodes a man’s sense of worth.  He might withdraw because of his worthlessness, or he might compensate by trying to be exceptionally worthy in some other area, or both.  In order to avoid discovery of his worthlessness, along with the withdrawal, he may try to control his circumstances to the exclusion of others.  I may be stepping out on a limb here, but it occurs to me that the affect on a man’s self worth(value) may have a greater impact on society and the church than the affect on the woman’s.  I can sense another post in that sentence.
2. I may have written before about the ways I feel e-communication affects intimacy.  I believe text and chat provide an immediacy that promotes a false sense of intimacy.  It is like eating a diet consisting only of appetizers.  You may never get to the main course of the relationship.  Or you may get enough to think you have had a full meal, but not really gotten to the meat of the matter.  A relationship built on text and chat may come crashing down when the reality of a face to face meeting intrudes.   I think one almost has to pull back from the e-com and purposefully seek deeper communication, whether that is face to face, phone, or a longer written format.  Any of these allows for more intimate knowledge through tone, expression and syntax.
3. Without an objective measure over time, it is extremely hard to determine size differential on crow’s feet.  An annual picture controlled for lighting and other variables might allow us to see growth over time(if any) and could even allow one to predict a future growth rate and future date when crows feet would effectively dominate ones facial features.  Until that day, being the smart guy that I am, I will simply say, “Crow’s feet?  I hadn’t noticed.”

Ouch!

“when is it EVER ok for a man of God to “flirt lightly” with someone that should be treated as a beloved sister in Christ…one that needs someone to point her to the throne and not the toilet.  (yes, that should have hurt..but in a good way).”

I love the people in my life that are willing to nail me on hard things.  More and more, I hunger for that kind of relationship.  The above quote was written in response to a note about flirting with a friend.  I had actually expressed the need to be careful and not flirt or joke lightly with her, but this response really woke me up.

I have written a number of posts about my view of women and my responsibility as a Christian man towards my sisters.  It has changed a lot from a few years ago.  This rebuke was justified and welcome.  I realize that my writing often runs ahead of my actions.  My head knowledge runs ahead of my heart.  There are still women in my life that I treat as second class sisters.  Women that I feel I can be free with, either because I feel like they can take it, or even worse, they are not sisters at all.

So I say “Ouch!” and “Thank you Ma’am may I have another?”

What am I Learning: A report on Men’s retreat 2009

I spent a lot of last weekend watching and listening for what the Lord is doing at my church, and what part I have in that.  Thursday night I had told pastor that I thought it was going to be a really good retreat.  When he asked me why, I could not really answer.  It got me thinking though, and Friday morning I had an answer.  I believe that we as men at my church are ripe for God.  I really feel like we have leadership with vision for the Lord.  I also felt like the sin of one would have a ripple effect among us.  I think only a dozen or so knew at the beginning of the weekend, and that number only grew by four or five over the two days that we were there, but those dozen are leaders(yes I include myself) in many ways.  Each of us being aware of our own sins and shortcomings, cannot help but feel the need to be humble before our brothers in Christ.  Transparent and eager to show the Lord to those around us.  In our small group breakout times, we had some good discussions about the crippling and isolating effects of sin if it is not dealt with properly and promptly.  Being able to share from my own experience and what the Lord had done for me was great.  Being able to respond in love to the other men as they talked about their own struggles was excellent.

One of the elders who also helps lead the Saturday morning men’s Bible study will often ask, “What is the take away for today?” as we are wrapping up.  I was asking myself the same question this weekend.  It started with the Mexico trip, and being the “leader” of that effort.  I rebelled a bit from that title, I think I have mentioned that I have a hard time with that.  Then not so many weeks ago I was telling one of the guys about some of the things I was learning and he asked me if I would be one of the team leaders for the retreat weekend.  I said yes and really looked forward to it.  In the past, the leadership team has done a good job of giving the team leads the tools they needed to make the small group time successful.  I saw it as a low pressure way to share what is going on in my own life and get the chance to encourage a few other men in their own walks with the Lord.  In short, it was a chance to lead.  As the weekend progressed, the team leads were called on to help with various activities.  To be leaders.  By the end of the weekend, it was not making me cringe nearly as much as before.

This morning as I write this, the Lord is showing me another part of the answer.  It is a hold over from my sinful past and the sense of worthlessness that came with it. Sure I can do a lot of things, I can be responsible in many ways, just do not ask me to lead, I am not a leader, I cannot get up in front without the need to crack a joke or be self deprecating.  This is a lie.

In reality, I can lead when asked.  I can serve as needed.  I may not always be sure of how to do it, but I am not incapable and when I do not feel adequate, He is more than sufficient for my needs.

Identify Me

I received the following letter from a friend.

I know that it is true that technically, I barely know you, yet, in fact, I’m really re-knowing you, and it feels as if I’ve known you forever.  With that in mind, I find that as time goes on, I see more and more of the NEW man that is Signifier.  I do not know the Signifier that struggled with sin and worthlessness, I do not know the Signifier who struggled with leadership and possible insecurity, I do not know the Signifier who may not have embraced what marital leadership was meant to be for him……but I DO know the Signifier who has a heart like David, who seeks God with that same heart, humbly receiving correction when mis-stepping, and eagerly searching for the path set for him.  I know the Signifier who is developing a passion….a vision that is being formed by God….in order to fulfill a purpose meant just for him.  I know a Signifier who has qualities being molded by the Creator of the Universe to lead, as God directs, in ways that may help men rise to the standard that the Father originally intended starting with Signifer, himself.

The things written here really lifted me up and encouraged me to keep on working to get closer to the Lord.  As I read and reread the note, milking it for all the encouragement I could, it occurred to me that God says many of these same things to me every day in His word.  He sees me as a new man.  He sees me growing, he sees my heart.  He has a purpose for me.  His encouragement is abundant and points me in the direction that will give Him and I the greatest joy.